One hell of an evening...

Where to start...

I'd gotten wind that birthmother was really struggling with her decision to choose adoption for Ashton. We had done our best to be understanding and loving through her storms.

This evening I received a text from our birthmom asking us if we hated her? Confused I texted back ????? She responded because how she felt about the adoption. I told her I was unaware of how she felt about the adoption and perhaps she wanted to share.

Of course she was terrified, but she shared with me how torn she was. How she wanted to parent, but no one else agreed with her. While I couldn't give her an answer I listened to her, told her we are holding Ashton with open hands, and prayed with her.

After I got off the phone with her I contacted my lawyer with no luck. So I left a message. Then, I then contacted our birthmom's lawyer. Basically her lawyer told me that she thought our birthmom had made up her mind to revoke the adoption. Although at the time I was unaware that she had already drafted a letter of revocation to be filed in the courts sometime next week. I asked her lawyer how much time she could "string us along" so to speak..if she wanted to parent her child, please let her just make the decision and let's be done with it. Her lawyer agreed and told me she would contact our birthmother later tonight.

Of course devastated on soooo many levels I called my dear friend Colleen. As I was crying out for my mommy while talking with her, I received an odd call from the Pediatric Center, where both Lily and Ashton go to the doctors. Dr. C a doctor we had seen when Ashton was several days old called to tell me that their is a probability that Ashton may have cystic fibrous. He had two abnormal screens come back indicating abnormally high chloride levels. While these test can produce a false positive, she requested that I take him to either John Hopkins or Children's hospital to have a sweat test done.

Shortly after this, I receive another text from bm...with my mental state, I tell her the only thing I can do at the moment, but tell her to hold on.

Well at this point you can only imagine my mental state...first, I am told that child I have been parenting for the last 2.5 weeks will likely be returned to his birthmother and secondly that their is a chance that this child may or may not have cystic fibrous...and then i get a new text from bm wanting to ask me another question,,,all within a 15 minute time period!

Right after I get off the phone with the pediatrician, and I am talking briefly to my dear friend C. My lawyer calls...Gosh how I love her! She has a righteous anger on our behalf. BM wants to parent her child and maintain her relationship with us. While we wouldn't hate her, I would find it difficult to have the same level of intimacy with her as we do now. Furthermore, she agrees, that if bm wants to parent, let her do it tommorow...not drag it out. Lastly adding to the fact that their may be some this big health issue, I don't want to spend all this emotion, time,and energy on the cystic fibrous diagnosis if she would like to parent him. Sometimes, even in the darkness it is nice to have someone on your side! I told her about the call from the pediatrician and the texts from bm. She instructed me to text bm back and ask her what her question was...while on the phone with my lawyer I did not receive a text back.

Our lawyer advised to stay chill, we would have a resolution in the morning and try to get some rest. LOL!

20 minute later I receive a text from our bm...it read the following:

My lawyer answered it (the question) for me, but thank you. But I've decided to just go ahead with the adoption, I need to accept it and move on. I'm lucky to have you guys, the openness and he is just better off with you.

30 minutes later I receive this text from our bm lawyer stating:

Just got a text from bm. She decided to go forward with the adoption after all. I think writing out the revocation made her face the reality of what she was about to do. She says she is ready to move on. I did not tell her about the cystic fibrous scare yet. I will discuss all with your lawyer in the morning.

I think I need a valium! Oh wait...I have a feeding in 2.5 hours!

Love,
Kim

Ready or Not...here comes Ashton Taylor!

Well so much for denial....reality has been a whirlwind! On Friday afternoon birthmom called and told me she had been to the doctors earlier that day for her regular monitoring for the cholestatis. They told her she was having contractions every 3-5 minutes and was a tight 3 cm dialated, so they recommended she call her doctor at Hopkins. They suggested she come in. We arrived around 4 or 5 p.m. They hooked her up to the monitors. After a frustrating couple of hours, they said that she was only 25% effaced and her cervix was high and still only a tight 3 cm. dialated. They sent all of us home. Telling her that it was pre-term contractions and she could possible experience this for several more weeks. They did advise her that if she continued to be uncomfortable, she could go to her local hospital to have them check her and if they thought she was progressing and it was safe to transfer her to Hopkins than they would.

So saturday morning, birthmom continued not to feel good. She went to her local hospital, they told her she was now 4 cm and her contractions had continued. She had thought maybe her water had broken They took some tests to see if her water had broken and they all came back positive. While the doctor wasn't 100% sure her water had broken,the midwife felt that it had. Once again we traveled down to John Hopkins. We arrived around 5 or 6 p.m. Once again they hooked her up to the monitors. She remained at 4 cm and continued to have contractions. They tested to see if her water broke...and again the tests were inconclusive. Around 10 or 11 pm bm decided to go for a walk. The walk did it! While her water didn't fully break, it was finally evident when they did the second batch of tests that it had a tear. That meant baby was coming in 24 hours! That night bm, me and bm mother all got some rest! They hooked birth mom up to potossin and then we waited til morning to see what the day brought.

Sunday was such an exciting day...bm went from 4 cm dialated and 90% effaced to completely ready to deliver! The doctors came in and taught bm how to push and told her that she had some work to do and they would come back in 3 or 4 hours. Boy were they wrong. Tweleve pushes later...Ashton Taylor entered the world! How awesome was it to watch his birth! When I first learned that I would get to be present at his birth...I thought...oh no...what if I pass out...I didn't want to make a scene! I even watched a couple of deliveries on you tube so I won't be totally shocked. I have to say it was one of the most awesome things I have had opportunity to witness! I could of kept watching it over and over...REPLAY...REPLAY...of course I am sure bm...would not say the same! Absolutely nothing grossed me out at all!

Ashton came into the world on Sunday April 10th at 9:49 a.m. He weighed 5lbs and 15 oz. He was approxmately 19 inches long. Of course I am biased...but he is truly a beautiful child!

Bm and I spent 2 precious days in the hospital together. It was so precious. In some ways I didn't want it to end. My prayer is that God will bless our bm beyond measure in her life!

My walls of denial are crumbling!

Up until recently I think I have been living in disbelief and denial. Now with the high probability that the due date will be moved up several weeks, my walls of denial are crumbling! I am realizing that holy batman...we are going to have a baby in our house very shortly and we are soooo not ready on so many levels!!!! I guess that is what happens when you have less than 6-8 weeks to prepare:)

Please pray for us. Please pray for our birth mother. Pray that she will remain steadfast in her decision. Pray that grief that she will experience not overwhelm her. Pray for the health of her unborn child. Please pray for us as we prepare mentally and emotionally. Ask that God provide us with the wisdom and knowledge we need for the baby's delivery and beyond.

Many thanks!

I love John Hopkins and Quickest Gestational Period Ever

Can I just say how much I love John Hopkins. They are such an awesome and attentive hospital! While they told us the results would take over a week, they called our birth mom today with the results of her the liver bile test. Unfortunately as suspected the test did come back positive. She is suffering from cholestasis. 1 to 2 pregnancies in 1000 are affected by cholestasis. Women with cholestasis should be monitored closely and serious consideration should be given to inducing labor once the baby’s lungs have reached maturity. Which my understanding somewhere around 36-37 weeks. Considering that she was at 33.5 weeks, we have our next follow up in two weeks, I wouldn't be surprised that they give her steroids to help get the baby's lungs ready and then induce her. I tell you...if that is the case...that will be the quickest gestational period ever for us!

Please pray for the health of our birth mother and her unborn child.

Thanks
Kim

Download!

Wow so much to catch up on!

First let me say I always imagined that I'd have this huge family built through adoption, but now after going through this process a second time, I have decided it is not for the faint of heart. It is so easy to let fear creep in and not live in faith. I have to constantly remind myself to keep my eyes on God and have no fear...but man...tough stuff...

I had been stressing out since I hadn't heard back from our birthmom regarding her choice of lawyer...of course my mind went to "end of job". Finally today we after 2 weeks we finally got some resolution. And guess what the sticking point was???? Her parents wanted to her to select an attorney based on how much it would cost us. Meaning an attorney closer to the hospital would cost us less than attorney locally. So esssentially they wanted to save us some money. And here I was worried for many days that the adoption plan had changed!

I received a text from our birthmom ealier this week that she went to the ER wed night. Apparently she went into premature labor. She was having contractions about every minute. They gave her some medication procardia to relax the smooth muscles and stop the contractions and sent her home to rest.

Friday we went to Hopkins for her check up. She is currently 33.5 weeks pregnant. She is measuring 35 weeks. I got to listen to the heartbeat again. That is my favorite! Of course I forgot my cell phone so I couldn't record it!

While there she complained about being insanely itchy. They are now testing her for Obstetric Cholestasis. OC carries an increased risk of premature labor, fetal and maternal hemorrhaging, fetal distress, and most importantly, stillbirth. Basically the liver is producing bile, that gets into the baby's bloodstream and is potentially toxic to the baby. Those test results will come back in approximately one week. If a formal diagnosis is made our birthmom will have to go for 2x a week testing a Hopkins to ensure the health and well being of the baby. While the doctor did not tell us, the information I found on the internet is that in cases like this the baby is typically induced earlier( (36-37 weeks) to prevent stillbirth. These are the days I am really glad she is going to Hopkins and getting such great care.

One of the tests they gave her was a 20 plus minute monitoring of the babies heartbeat, activity, and if birthmom was experiencing any contractions. So far the baby is doing well. I am eager for her to get the rest of the test results! Pregnancy is truly amazing and complicated!

After her appt. we meet with the social worker and the labor and delivery nurse to come up with a birthing, hospital stay, and discharge plan. Some of the items we discussed are really cool. The birthmom has requested that both her mom and I are present at delivery! I hope I don't pass out!!!!! The thing I am a little unsure of is the post birth and the discharge should it not happen during a weekday.

After the birth she requested the baby be in the room with her and I would stay in the room with her and take care of the baby. She said she choose this because she wants to save us money, but it makes me really uneasy. I am uneasy about this on mulitple levels as you can imagine. So hopefully we can all receive some good counsel and this issue will be resolved.

Also if they baby is born during the weekddays M-R...discharge of the baby from the hospital is no big deal. But if discharge occurs on any other day things are a little more complicated. My understanding is that legally the hospital has to discharge the baby to the birthmom...then once we leave hospital property she can "hand over" the infant. That seems so tramautic on so many levels. I too pray that this issue will be resolved as well.

One thing that really occured to me while spending the day with her is the disparity in adoption. On the one hand, you've got the ultimate gift of love. A birth mother choosing life for her unborn child and choosing adoption knowing that they cannot adequately care for them. Adoptive parents eager to embrace this beautiful life and love them like they borne them. On the other side, you have the loss and grief. The grief the birthmother will feel when she actually relinguishs her child. The grief the adoptive parents feel on behalf of the birthmom, knowing how very difficult it must be to make that choice and follow through with it. Not to mention any of the loss and grief the child will experience in life. In a perfect world there would be none of this. I was senstive to the issues when we adopted Lily, but I wasn't as close to it.

Many friends and family have offered advice regarding what an open adoption should look like. My prayer is that God will direct our steps and we will be able to create an open adoption plan that everyone involved can agree on and will serve all parties.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!

Kim

More undeserved grace

Lord, once again I ask you...who are we that you are mindful of us.

We had another undeserved grace bestowed up us last night. I am still having a difficult time accepting it.

As many of you know our first adoption with Lily cost nearly 3 times the expected amount. So many people helped us financially, emotionally and spiritually. So much so, that never in this lifetime would we ever be able to repay everyone. However there was debt to one generous helper that we had been working really hard to pay off. We had managed to pay off nearly 1/2 of the debt. Well last night that debtor informed us that our debt was clear and that they did not want anymore money from us. They wanted us to have the money so we could pursue this adoption and any unexpected/expected expenses that may occur. What an amazing blessing! Once again, I am having a difficult time wrapping my head around this undeserved grace.

Visit to John Hopkins

Today I spent the day with our birthmother, taking her down to John Hopkins to meet with a specialized ob-gyn. Even though we have been acquainted with her , it was really nice to really begin to get to know her more intimately. She is a very lovely young woman.

While at Hopkins, with the counsel of the physican, she determined that due to some personal risk factors she will plan to transfer her care to Hopkins and actually deliver the baby there! The awesome thing about that, is originally she was told she would have to have a C-section due to previous medical history, but at Hopkins she will have a choice to deliver vaginally if she so desires. I think for her long term child bearing dreams that would definitely be the best for her. I wouldn't want her to choose adoption for this child and then not be able to have any more children in the future.

I have to admit that does make me nervous because what if she changes her mind. My sister told me it is one thing to have a baby surgically removed from you, it's a whole other thing to labor through and push that baby out of you. But I have to remember to submit myself to God and realize whatever the journey, He will be next to me. But I must say, Lord please keep her steadfast in her decision.

I just wish there was someway that this adoption could be a win-win for everyone. That the birthmother doesn't have to lose, so another family can gain. I would love to talk with anyone who has experienced different degrees of open adoption. On the one hand, I feel like she is my niece and her family is our extended family, but not really sure what that would look like in an open adoption.

The most awesome part today was being able to see the baby via sonogram and hear his heart beat! Absolutely amazing!!!! Our birthmom took the pictures home to show her mother, but she said she would give them us to afterward. That would be super awesome, but I don't want her to feel like she has too.

Anyway please continue to lift her up in prayer. Pray for her health. Pray that the rest of her pregnancy is uneventful. Pray that she remains steadfast in her decision to choose adoption for this child. Pray for her emotions and any sadness or grief she may experience. I just want to protect her from that.

Pray for us as we anxiously anticipate the time. Give us a sense of peace and calm as we go through the homestudy process. I have found myself nervous about the financial risk and the potential to lose it all. Again, I need to commit my fears to God.

Thank you Jesus, for your divine intervention in our lives. Help me to fear not (Isaiah 41:10).

Love,
Kim